When we are engaged in a romantic relationship, no matter how deeply we love the other person, sometimes we still fight, disagree, or misunderstand. There are moments when we are less attentive to ourselves and our partner, and then we fight. 

But then comes a moment when we want to make peace with our lover and move forward after the fight. It may feel weird, awkward, or difficult to make a step toward our beloved and ask forgiveness or forgive. But you love them and you want to feel loved again. In this article, we will talk about some Tantric methods of how to make up after the fight.

Different Needs

In most couple relationships, the partners have different needs and ways to make up after a fight. One partner needs to have some reassurance through words and the other needs to have some reassurance through physical touch. To have a healthy relationship we create a balanced strategy for making peace together that considers both partners’ needs.

First of all, when developing the strategy you both need to verbalize your needs. You may say, “My love, I’m very aware that it’s good for you to talk and I want to give you that and I’m absolutely up for it. I just want to remind you that for me, reassurance is much more easily acquired through touch”. Or, “I know my love, you need the touch thing, and I want to give you that, and even to make that active step, and also I want to remind you, it will help me if you can reassure me with some words of affirmation, some talking through it, some verbal reconnecting”.

Coming Up With a Strategy

It is helpful to come up with a strategy when you’re not fighting and when both of you are in a good state and mood. You have engaged with each other, made love, and talked about thousands of brilliant things and you feel so connected. That is the moment to sit down and come up with good strategies because then both of you will be very willing to be open, to give, and to contribute to the plan in a wonderful way.

An example of a strategy can be to first hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, and breathe a little bit. And then as you look into each other’s eyes, you caress a little bit and you touch, and maybe one of you can massage the other`s feet or something like that. 

That is an active gesture coming from one of you, and the other can start talking. Holding each other as you talk is something that in psychology has been researched over and over again. It is very good to have some sort of body contact that is comfortable for both and adjusted to both partners’ level of openness.

Continue to speak and express yourself and your feelings, very clearly in a non-violent way, as a gesture of love toward the relationship. Make sure that your strategy includes the needs of both of you, and when making up you give each side a little bit, both touch and talk. Then you gradually relax and maybe move toward cuddling.

Having a Manual

When you have a manual for how to make up after a fight it strengthens your relationship. Many couples believe that having strategies is somehow not emotional and connective and not spontaneous. 

But when you’re in a fight you will be anyway emotional and spontaneous, and you will have something in the back of your head that is a little voice saying, “Hey, remember that what you want is to be close to her or him, and it helps when you reassure him or her through words, through touch, etc.”.

So it doesn’t take away from the depth, from being in the moment, from creating contact with one another. Eventually, when you fight, it will have all the passion in it that needs to be expressed. 

It will be short and to the point, immediately reassuring each other, not trying to push down the fire of the fight but using that passion, that intensity to move forward and to transform. And then you can feel so appreciative of each other that you can still manage to hold space for each other during a crazy moment. You can move through everything if you learn to fight well.

This article was transcribed and edited by Tony from the following video: