In a long-term relationship, you cannot and should not avoid also becoming very close friends. This is simply the nature of spending a life together. But should we approach it in a balanced way, so the partners can grow in polarity and can still be friends? Today’s article is addressing men, but it can be useful for both sexes.
You Need to Also Be Friends
In a long-term relationship, you need to become very close friends. The temptation is to let this take over, so that there is only ever friendship talk, a lot of sharing, a lot of processing. And when that happens, the mystery starts to get lost.
Reflection Time With Yourself
A man needs time alone to actually solve things. It is nearly impossible to really work through something without having time alone, sitting with it, wrestling with it within your own system. This is how it works.
After that time alone, yes, you also talk to your lover. Sometimes it will be possible to first sit and digest and then come to her and say: “Listen, I noticed this was hurtful for me. Can we speak about it?” Allowing yourself to be in profound contact with yourself will invite her to be in profound contact with herself.
It doesn’t have to become a thing where you go to her like a child going to his mother after pretending to be strong all this time. It can be heart to heart, soul to soul. “This is what happened. How do you see it?” And then you are in it together.
Sharing Should Go Both Ways
It is not particularly wise to have her share all the time while you rarely do, and then when you do share, there is even a bit of conflict around it. The better approach is to take continuous care to both share and to be in contact with yourself and let the other one be part of that, while also having time where you simply sit with things alone.
For a woman, it is often much easier to solve things by sharing them. She can share with her friends, and with you, of course. But the relationship shouldn’t become a wastebasket for everything that needs to be processed. And on your side, when you have something to say, it shouldn’t feel like you are vomiting on the relationship either. That is not balanced. She has friends to talk to. You have your own inner work to do. And you both share, naturally, but not in a way where she is using you as a lifeboat, and you are suppressing everything to appear strong.
Digesting Before Sharing
Try to digest on your end what needs to be digested. Sometimes that is a five-minute thing where you have a breather and then come back full of contact and share yourself with your beloved. You share your feelings, your contact with yourself, what the other one brings forth as you experience them. It is as simple as that.
A relationship should not be a space where you do therapy on each other all the time. That can really kill the polarity and the mystery. But it does need a clear space of friendship, and must be balanced with romantic time.
Structuring Relationship Time
If you want to be structured about it, you can define it clearly in your week. This is our day where we do all the friendship things, and the rest of the time we polarise. Or the first hour of a date is friendship time because you need to air things out, and then you go and get dressed and go out in a fully romantic mode. You can systematise it and make clear which is which. In the same way you wouldn’t bring all your work talk to a date night, the same applies here.
And of course there will be moments where something simply arises. You are in the middle of lovemaking, and one of you is unsettled. You sit with it; you talk about it. For this, you have the friendship, but you don’t abuse it.
It is very much possible to be a support for your beloved and also have your space to share with her as with a friend. But a man needs to find time and space to see and solve things within his inner world, or by himself. To take a moment to contemplate. Then it is a good idea to look at it together. At the same time, there should be defined romantic, polarising time together.
This article was transcribed and edited by Tony from the following video:
youtube.com/watch?si=ljJh-P1nYBBHVE9Q&v=UVdk4FtOw3U&feature=youtu.be
