In this article, we will discuss how we can open to love by opening ourselves to pain. We will talk about the mechanisms of opening and closing and the source of trauma. We will talk about the differences between the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system, and the different effects they have on us. Finally, we will touch on a practice that you can use to open yourself to love.
Feel The Pain and Feel The Love
How do we come to a blocking of love? At some point, we may reach some confusion about when to have an open emotional system, and when to have a closed emotional system. Then we can start blocking out positive things for ourselves. Our nervous system will develop learned patterns of behaviour. Maybe we are making a correlation between love and pain. This is known in psychology as relational trauma. Relational trauma can arise even if there are just some forms of mild neglect in our childhood.
The monkey in the jungle knows to put its walls up when there is a tiger in front of it and to put them down when another monkey is taking lice out of their hair. As humans, however, we carry relational trauma with us and become confused about when to close and when to open. Somewhere inside, we may believe that there is danger in opening ourselves to love. We interpret it as a possible source of harm. Therefore, we may be deeply longing for love, but we aren’t able to let it in.
We cannot shut down some of our emotions whilst truly opening up to other emotions. This means that to truly touch love, we also need to be open to our pain. As we dive into that which will make us open to love, our trauma will also arise. This makes many of us go into defence mode.
What Is The Solution?
The first step is to understand and become conscious. We must become aware of the mechanism of opening and closing. Let yourself know how it feels to be really open, and how it feels to close. Learn the system. We can then gradually start to open and close our system voluntarily. If we are running on autopilot, this system may be running on painful experiences that happened 20 or 30 years ago. However, we can take control of this mechanism by developing awareness. Blocks to receiving love are often related to traumas that we don’t want to face. Trauma doesn’t come from pain, but it comes from avoiding pain. This reduces our sensitivity and reduces our level of consciousness.
Sometimes we need to understand the story of the trauma. However, intellectual knowledge alone is never enough. Ultimately we must stop avoiding the pain. Maybe today we can open ourselves a little bit to feel this pain. We can use the assistance of a therapist or of a loved one and face this pain, bit by bit, as we are ready. Once we stop pushing the pain out, we will stop pushing the love out.
Understand What Happens In Your Body
The open system lets the environment in. It is connected and receptive to wonderful energies. The closed system is defensive and doesn’t let the environment in. This isolates us from the world. Both of these functions are important to have within our being. The open system is based on the operation of the parasympathetic nervous system. This is in charge of rejuvenation, resting, and digesting. The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of the well-known fight or flight mechanism. The fight or flight mechanism is very reactive. However, not getting killed is a way of taking care of ourselves. The stress hormones that are released serve a purpose when our lives are threatened. Our biological evolution is slow and not adapted to the modern world. We are wired for running away from danger and then taking some time to rest. Today, we don’t usually have tigers chasing us, but our body has the same biological responses to perceived dangers. Worrying about whether we can pay our rent will release the same stress hormones as running away from a tiger. The Western world triggers a lot of these kinds of concerns. The type of threat is different, but it makes the sympathetic nervous system very active, which makes us close down.
The Parasympathetic Nervous System
The parasympathetic nervous system can bring us profound states of relaxation. We will be in an energetic and emotional state of openness. We are ready to be intimate and oriented toward togetherness. We are ready to embrace and love. We will be in a state of empathy. We may mirror the other person. We will be open to having a back-and-forth about how we feel in a non-judgmental way. Our guards are down. We may want to cuddle and groom our beloved. We will have a willingness and an ability to be influenced by the outside world. We can feel replenished by our contact with others. We can even be open to wonderful cosmic resonances and to feeling enriched by the universe. We will be oriented towards feeling. In this state, we are able to read small movements of the eyes and the mouth. This openness to small gestures can lead to the release of a lot of happy hormones.
The Sympathetic Nervous System
The sympathetic nervous system will bring a state of agitation and tension. It is a mentally oriented state, where we are instinctual and reactive. We are driven by quick thinking. We are concerned with how to attack and defend ourselves quickly. We may constantly explain our own emotions and the actions of others in our heads. In this state, we will seek to contradict others. We want to look for proof of how they are wrong and why we need to keep them away. We will seek to justify our own doubts. Our guards are up. Our cortisol levels will rise. Our testosterone levels can also rise. We will be less influenced by the outer world. We will analyse what we have experienced and what is likely to happen from here. There is a constant cognitive process happening. All of these reactions can protect us from negative external influences, but they also keep out love.
Practice
In the first step of the healing process, we meet love. This can be kind words or an embrace from another. We can also mentally invoke a time when we felt loved, as a way to practice this process.
In the second step, we consciously feel how we are resisting the love. See how you are being loved, and how you are starting to close.
In the third step, make your resistance an object of meditation. Really feel it. Become aware of the story behind it.
In the fourth step, we process the pain. We embrace it. We open the doors. By doing this you are gradually reprogramming yourself. Pain will stay until it is fully heard. When the pain has had its dance, love will be there. At the end of pain, there is love.
Do these processes gradually, with a lot of self-love and self-embracing. Be careful and patient. Listen kindly to your own pain. Every time you let some of the pain in, to be embraced by your consciousness, more love will come in.
Transcribed and edited by Charlie Wilson from