Most people confuse Sexuality and Eroticism. Justifiably so, since it’s a subject for which there is little education and not enough understanding. Tantra considers that Sex and Eros are in fact two distinct energies. In this article we will discuss the differences between them and how choosing Eros over Sex is a matter of awareness.

You’re probably familiar with the fact that the quality of your intimate experiences can vary significantly, from fulfilling and uplifting, to downright boring and exhausting. Did it ever occur to you that the difference is made by nothing else but the quality of your presence? The distinction between being aware and unaware is the starting point in discovering why Sex and Eros don’t go together. Simply put, Sex is the direction intimacy takes when we engage in it unconsciously, instinctively. On the other hand, Eros is when we dive in intimacy with full awareness, love, and an aspiration for the highest.

As you might have probably noticed, intimacy has a lot to do with a particular kind of energy. What gives us the beautiful sensations in intimacy – the excitement, the bliss, the arousal, the pleasure – is in fact the result of this energy which comes to life within us. When we are deep into love making, we can feel this energy in almost every part of our body, expressed through various delightful sensations and states.

Like with any other energy in this world, we can also learn to direct, transform and sublimate this kind of energy. What usually happens in the bedroom is that both women and men lose it. In the case of men, this happens through ejaculation, and in the case of women through explosive, unconscious orgasms. This discharge or loss of energy leads to fatigue, but not only. One unsuspected effect is the loss of interest in and connection with our beloved. (Remember all time the lovers turn around and fall asleep immediately afterwards?)

This energy builds up intensely and immensely – the whole effervescence of intimacy comes from here. It becomes so intense, that people – not knowing what to do with it – usually release it. But Tantra teaches us that by increasing our awareness, we can learn to make better use of this energy.

From a Tantric perspective, Sex unfolds as an instinctive, pre-programmed act (isn’t it the same in all movies?) between individuals who are often full of desires, expectations and a “wanting-mind”. It’s when we try to take something away from the other, either pleasure or simply an orgasm. In drastic terms, this can be seen as using the other as an object of our sexual desire or as our sex toy.

In today’s world, intimacy is increasingly approached with a consumerist, superficial attitude that lacks true love, depth and connection. We can think of it as a downward flow of energy that sometimes reaches the heart, but most often ends up as an ego-driven, disconnected search for pleasure. Ultimately, it leaves us feeling dry, depleted of energy and empty. The result is a low state and a sensation of unfulfillment, a frustration of never feeling truly, profoundly satisfied. So sexual energy is a self-centred, mechanical impulse that is goal-oriented, contractive, demanding and unloving.

Eros, on the other hand, is based on mutual love. It’s what intimacy becomes when the lovers have a giving and devoted attitude towards each other, as well as a healthy polarity. It’s guided by the sincere desire to discover each other’s inner universe and soul. It’s a merging with a depth that is indescribable to any other being outside of this relationship. The erotic flow has no agenda – consciousness and purity of heart replace projections and expectations, and a profound common aspiration of the souls replace any personal goals. It teaches us to stay in the present moment, to stay connected and to enjoy the erotic flow as it unfolds. This natural flow is selfless, caring, spontaneous and leads to a truly loving, blissful, nurturing experience.

While in a sexual relationship we take care of ourselves and our needs, in an erotic, loving relationship the happiness of the beloved is our greatest happiness. We don’t want to receive anything in return. It is based on a deep connection and real intimacy between two individuals with their two inner unique universes that eventually merge into ONE. This soul connection lives constantly and uninterruptedly in an erotic way, where we cannot distinguish between the happiness of the beloved and our own happiness, it is only ONE happiness. When we are truly living for our beloved’s happiness, it brings such aliveness to the relationship that we don’t think about the past,  and we have no mental projection of what will happen next. There is only the NOW and while we are in the NOW, the concept of time disappears. It is a matter of practice to remain fully conscious to be able to enter a whole new dimension together, as a union. A merging of two souls. To choose presence and love, is an inner decision, and this leads us to Eros. This inner decision says NO to any sexual, unconscious, instinctual impulse that might arise when making love.

It is important to note that we should not only focus on the distinction between these two energy flows at a mental level. Eros is not only experienced in the bedroom with our beloved. There are moments in our lives when we feel completely fulfilled, connected, uplifted and energised by simply feeling the rain gently falling on our skin, the wind caressing our face, watching the clouds moving/dissolving, the trees dancing in the wind, the first sunlight reaching our face, feeling the immense energy of a mountain, reaching the summit and embracing the overwhelming feeling of space, walking barefoot, enjoying states of emptiness or experienced total connection underwater, etc. The state of Eros can be easily discovered when we are fully aware and present. A spontaneous intimacy develops then. Our systems open up and we are able to let nature and its elements enrich us, therefore feeling extremely erotic on a daily basis. In fact, this is one great way of training the erotic attitude.