In this article, we talk about two ways to avoid the deal-making ego games in the bedroom. Firstly, if you feel you want to do something because you want to get something back, don’t do it. Anything you do with a personal interest will drag you down into sexuality and not uplift you into eros. Secondly, stop the submissive, manipulating attitude of the ego.
An Erotic Attitude is Focused on Offering Happiness to the One We Love
When we feel attracted to someone, there is the option of sliding into instinctual sexual behaviour or consciously choosing sublime erotic play. The instinctual, selfish agenda leads down into the sexual flow, while the uplifting eros flow is characterised by a selfless attitude without any agenda, with lots of love and conscious presence.
From this perspective, we can understand the erotic attitude expressed in the sentence:
“My greatest happiness is the happiness of my beloved”
“Okay, my greatest happiness is the happiness of my beloved. It’s clear, I’m supposed to love and be selfless.”
Nevertheless, many students who aim to apply this with a wonderful enthusiasm later hit a certain limit when they actually bring this sentence into the bedroom. That limit is usually given by the twists and turns that the ego might add upon this beautiful sentence.
There are two ways that the ego tends to twist this sentence:
1: The deal
2: Submission
1: The Deal
We are brought up and conditioned by society to think along the lines of: “Of course I’m going to address the joys and happiness of my beloved, to get something out of it.”
“Well, I have to take care to get my needs met” This in itself is not wrong, but then it gets twisted. The ego will give it a different spin so that, in the end, I can always have as the main concern getting my needs met. This is when we say: “Of course, I will take care of your happiness, if then you will take care of my happiness as well!” or “I gave you …. and now you owe me!” “I gave you oral for an hour. What will you give me in return now?”
Due to the way that we were brought up and the value system we have, most people will agree that it has to be a two-way street, it’s 50-50! But this will not lead you to a soulful attitude towards your lover. Rather, it will bring you to the idea of keeping count. “I gave you 20 orgasms, you owe me…” It would drag you into the mind, into agenda.
Or you will passively say that the other one should be active, we paraphrase the fundamental tantric attitude to: “My happiness is your biggest happiness! You don’t want to be happy? Why are you not making me happy?” The ego twists it around, even with a cute mask on top.
The ego tends to take these principal ideas and twist them to make a deal out of them. A nice-looking deal where you look really good.
The Remedy for the Deal-Making of the Ego
If you don’t feel to do something, don’t do it. If you don’t feel like giving your lover 20 orgasms, don’t do it. If you want to do it just because you want something back, stop right there. Anything that you do with a personal interest will drag you down on the escalator of sexuality. Even if you look very cute while you do it.
2: Submission
The submissive attitude is sometimes an extreme case of the deal-making:
“I will make my beloved at least seemingly happy by making myself unhappy.” For example, by not caring for my own needs, and how I feel… I will neglect and ignore myself, and that will hopefully make them happy.
Or “I will attend to what they superficially want, and I will please whatever seems to be obvious to do.“ You’re thinking about what the other might want, and then you do it. And then typically you will do it again, because you want something back.
An initial good impulse of wanting to devote myself fully, to let go of all limits its done forcefully whilst disregarding one’s own feelings and maybe even suffering in the background.
“In reality, I’m not ecstatically happy here, but I dwell in this pleasing state” (that usually comes along with resentment.) This attitude will eventually flip into a deal: “I’ve suffered for 20 years now, you owe me”
The Remedy for Submission
Don’t make yourself unhappy or victimise yourself by fulfilling the superficial needs of your beloved. Don’t try to please them if it is not coming from the depths of your heart.
This article was transcribed by Adriana from the following video:
