In this article, we will discuss why we feel the need to seek external validation. We will be guided in a short practice that will help to point us inwards in asking the questions of self-worth. We will discuss how by serving the whole we live a life of real meaning and bring genuine value. We will also touch on how the ultimate value comes from existence itself. We are, and so we are of value.
The Game of Validation
The game of validation has great control over our lives. We can work our whole lives to get some respect. We could work for 50 years as a doctor just to please our mother. What is this need for validation? What is the mechanism?
Deep inside we have the wish to bring value to the world, to know that we are valuable. Because we don’t look at the question of our own value deeply, we outsource it. By getting validation from others, we gain the feeling of having value. When external validation flows, we feel energized and on top of the world. If we do not receive the external validation, we feel deflated. However, we can harness and own this power within ourselves.In psychology, not having a strong sense of self is said to lead to severe mental illness. Narcissistic personality disorder stems from a lack of a sense of self, leading to low self-worth. The person then *only* seeks validation from the outside. Self-worth can lead us to look deeply at ourselves and to walk the path of self-revelation. If we have the belief that we are totally unworthy, then we will not see the value in looking deeply at ourselves.
Why Do We Look Outside For Validation?
A child feels safe and loved if the people around them are attentive to them and they are in a good mood. If a child’s mother has an angry face, we learn from a young age that this is not a positive sign. This is used by parents as a reinforcement tool. If the child behaves well, they will be rewarded with positive validation. As social animals, we are programmed to a mode of survival that depends on the group around us. This can lead to instrumentalizing people, using people, being used, and constantly seeking validation. This can also lead to people selling off their inner values. This outer search for validation and self-worth can lead to a lot of suffering.
When we touch the question in ourselves “Do I have value?”, the possibility of a negative answer is so terrible for the constructs of the ego. However, you do exist. Therefore, there is no need to affirm your existence from the outside. The problem is that we are not becoming deeply aware of our own self-existence. If we do this, the question of our self-worth will dissolve.
The Part Serves The Whole
The wish to bring real value to the world is the source of all our validation issues. We wish to contribute to the whole. This whole can be our family, our couple relationship, our social circle, our company, our community, our nation, etc. The cells of the body all serve the purpose of the body. There is joy and enthusiasm in this service.
When we get validated we are reminded of the internal state that we feel when we are of service. When the parts are serving the whole they feel purposeful, useful, and filled with meaning. We need to consciously ask the question; “Do I have value?”. This needs to be done in a meaningful way. Outsourcing this question is very detrimental.
Practice
This practice will take about 10 minutes. Grab a journal and pen.
You are invited to close your eyes. Inwardly repeat this intention; “I wish, I want, I choose, I intend – to ask these fundamental questions, courageously and authentically. I allow my being to be flexible and open. To grow and transform through this process.”
Breathe a few times to the heart. Ask the following questions deep in your heart. Take at least a couple of minutes for each. You can write down the answers as they come.
What are the main things that I wish to contribute to the whole?
What is the value that I would like to bring to those places?
How much am I actually doing this? How much value am I bringing?
Am I abusing the whole that I am a part of in any way?
What can I do to bring more actual value?
Bringing Real Value
When we ask the question of our value deeply, we become productive. Instead of seeking validation, we go towards what actually has value. We become of service. We go from putting 5% of our energy into serving the whole, to putting 70% of our energy into serving the whole. Then we feel deep peace and the joy of existence. We know that we bring real value.
When the part serves the whole, the whole will empower the part. The community will support him/her who really supports the community. In spirituality, we are encouraged to undertake karma yoga so that we get a real sense of value. When we are of service, we unlock huge inner resources. We no longer fish for compliments. We grow in confidence and in love.
Lord Buddha looked deep into his heart and asked if his status as a rich prince was of real value. By starting to ask questions inside, we will come to the ultimate questions; “Who am I”, and “What is this existence all about?”. The answers to these questions will give us the *ultimate* self-worth. The worth of existence itself.
Transcribed and edited by Charlie Wilson from